While i was busy indulging myself with pessimistic thoughts about my own life, i realized that i've seriously forgotten to slow down and look at what's behind me, and the people who were supposedly in the same plight (if not worse) as me. I began to understand, that i wasn't that unfortunate afterall. For my case, i was considered lucky enough to have miracles casted upon me, the miracles that were sent to me by the all mighty whom i presumed pitied my state seeing as pathetic as i was. Yet here i am, unsatisfied, bitching, complaining and comtemplating about how life's been so unfair to me. How i wish that those people would one day get their desserts. But right now, all i can seem to think of is how pre-occupiedly selfish i was.
The process of engaging myself in self-pitying thoughts is plain immature, and i thought i've slowly grown out of this when all that's growing is that bottomless pit of hatred and that egoistic mindset that i've been pushing for myself to fulfill. As you people know, the thing that's fuel-ing my mental stamina is that amount of grudge i hold within, and the mentality wanting to reach out for even greater heights, far surpassing myself and hopefully them. Yet...how wrong i was, how blind i was...
The thought process was long, and i struggled to get an answer out of myself, but i guess i really am considered lucky. In the midst of all that chaos, all i could see were the mistreatment i got, the unjustice that i felt, and that clouded all those who reached their hands out to me. Yet when i looked back again, i silently blamed them for their slowly disappearing presence. When i was in need of help, i could only see myself....but when they are indeed helpless, i'm still as a log, unable to do anything constructive.
I feel ashamed when i think about this ugly-selfish side of me. And to think that i was considered a sisterly yet dependable character to Opa and Haru. Perhaps, within my besties, i show this other side of myself. I'm able to open up my shell and show them my soft side, i'm able to welcome everything with open arms....and i was a big liar to everyone else. But it's inevitable to feel this bond between the 4 of us. It's like, theres no alpha like people deemed there would be within each clique, and all of us were equally important. That's what i really want, yet i couldn't see it right before me. I was yearning to be able to stay with them in school, and this thought just proves that i have yet to grow out of my fairyland.
Now i realized, that i am significant afterall. Not in school, but in some ways among my friends, and i've came to understand the role i have to take as a friend to my friends as well. I shall start to look at the treasures i've had with me all along, and listen to the sorrows and woes of each one of them, to repay for all the crap i've done. And here darling you know that i'm talking about you. Whenever u do feel sad, don't keep it to yourself, and don't shoulder all the burden when everything was out of your means to control. It's my turn, to fulfill my role as a bestie...
Thought process, enlightened by 福姐, Haru :D
