♥ WENXUAN-

CIAOSSU!

I've been doing so much thinking, i seriously think that these brain juices drained could've been put to better use. And i mean, much much much much better use such as studying chemistry right now. I have the foresight but i really hate putting my will down to doing things just to achieve my goal. That's the problem. But either ways...been pretty lazy to do elaborate posts with pictures and even blogging simply about daily lives. I've even forgot the existance of my blog after so long.

Sometimes i don't know what humans are thinking. Tables turn and turn over and over. They may be there for you sometimes, but they may not be. I'd gradually start to appreciate isolation and the beauty of being alone, unaffected by the ones around me. Not say unaffected but less bothered. Just a personal opinion though. 当你习惯了孤独的生活以后, 你就会看见它的美. 其实沉没在自己的世界里也是一种幸福.

I love Shiyun Darling!! ^^ Cuz onli she will 发疯about reborn with me =X

And also, loads loads loads of appreciation and thanks to Danny for being such a great supervisor. Lols. Thanks for accompanying me when i'm feeling down, thanks for those encouraging words even though as you said, i AM weak. And even, thanks for accompanying me while i study even though your supervision and tuition fees are seriously expensive and unaffordable. LOL.

Lastly, who needs so many people in their life when i already have my friends, darlings and family that mean a world to me. Now you see the picture, i already have my universe.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
7:48 PM

It's over. And i'm glad, still, bestfriends forever!

LOVE BESTIES~♥
6:19 PM

I'd have you know, i'm not just referring to one person in this post.

I'm already vexed with the way certain individuals are starting to treat me these days. If u're unhappy, just tell me straight. You don't have to announce it on your individual blogs nor beat around the bush to shoot me. You don't have to tell everyone else around except me as well. I've had enough of the way things always go on behind me. If you're in a irritated mood, you don't have to vent it on me. If u're unhappy with me long ago, just tell me straight, and not explode as though i'm a container to contain all your frustration.

Vent all the anger on me now then. What do you hate most about me. What about me irritates you the most.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:21 AM

I've always thought you'd understand, but i guess i've pushed understanding past the limit.

I didn't mean those things i said, it was unintentionl or if i'd put it this way, it doesn't seem like the way it sounds. I have my problems, but i couldn't possibly tell you everything.

I didn't only talk to you because of spoilers, maybe we really are lacking topics to talk about these days but i've always seen you as my best friend and no one else. And when i saw that you were unhappy, i was really bothered. I didn't act as though i cared but i don't know what else to say to you besides that. But if you feel as though i'm being a fake as a friend, i can't stop you either.

If you thought that this was my problem, why didn't you tell me straight? Why did you have to let a third party tell me about it? Why did you have to lie to me or put on a mask about it?

I never meant all that when i relayed those words to you, but if that's what you want to think, i have no other choices either do i? I said i'd come back to you later because i knew we were meeting soon, that's why i told you that but i guess i make a terrible friend. Maybe you're also better off without me as a friend as well. Since i'm such a hypocrite to you, i think i'm better off alone.

Misunderstandings are fine, but when it comes to misunderstandings about me starts spreading outside without me knowing it, i guess i'm the number 1 experiencer. Great.

But this perhaps also explains, why friends around me always end up turning their backs against me. And of why i'm such a loner in school. I never knew that i was such a screwed up person to all my friends around me, but now, i know that i'm a fake.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
12:33 AM

CIAOSSU!!

Haven't been blogging for a damn long time. Haha, been chiong-ing Kateyoshi Hitman Reborn! Damn nice! watched till ep 123. YAY!!!! Gonna chiong finish soon.

Went from Plaza Singapura to Bugis yesterday. Reached TKA at arnd 10.30pm and put credits into the GF machine. Waited for quite some time n the idiots were still at 2nd stage. WTF they scroll their songs under the list of long songs and even when they were aware of people waiting at the back, they just continued to play their long songs. How idiotic. I thought it was basic courtesy to speed up their credit play when others are waiting. Plus, since TKA gave this privilege, at least play JUST 1 long song. WTF. Waited for so fucking long. Anyway, these two assholes are called "Farmer" and "Kenneth" by card name. OMG Kenneth! Brings a bad name to all Kenneths. KNS.

Anyway, after watching Reborn, i feel like buying the Vongola rings. ^^ Guardian of Cloud rocks man! So gonna save up money and get them at all costs!!!! Yay!

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:09 PM

I never felt happier, 'cause things are back to normal. You're freed from me, and be glad about it (: I'm not someone anyone will want to be with, because of the way i am. But, single life has done me no wrong up till now :D and just like Velvet said, i shld continue being single...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:23 AM

Looks like i've done it again, even when i know it's a wrong thing to do, i went ahead with it.

I'm still here...standing.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:27 PM

Actually, I'm still feeling veri bad over this relationship but i hope to take a step before you and apologise for all the things i felt like i've done wrong or i felt like i've been unfair to you.

I know i shouldn't have taken the way you are to compare with my other ex-es since you are yourself in the 1st place. I know i haven't completely commited into this relationship because of my personal emotions for someone else that i'm trying to surpress. I know i haven't been really kind wif words as well and i also sincerely apologize. But what i meant was true, i'm not even sure if our relationship will last that long such that we'll enter uni together. I hope you won't place high expectations on me and as i say, i'm a sensitive person as well, rather than you doing things silently, i'd rather see the things that you're going to do for me. I hope you get what i'm trying to say.

But like i was talking to korkor the other day as well, i hope i'm not dating a mutou here, and neither do i want to be in a relationship where i don't look forward to the next time we're chatting or going out. I want some 'spice' in a relationship if you get what i mean, and unfortunately, this has been something my other ex-es are able to give me instead. I'm sorry like i said, because it's hard to not compare this obvious fact when it clearly stands out from the other problems surfacing between us.

And anyway, it's your birthday in 2 days...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:18 PM

It's been the 2nd day, and i'm already feeling as though you are wasting my time and youth away. Let me get this straight, if you don't treasure whatever you have now, i'll put an end to everything on behalf of you. If you don't treat me with more respect and be more mindful that i am indeed still alive, i will also end this whole piece of crap. I find it hard to get to pissed over a relationship on the 2nd day but, i guess you're just testing my limits.

Beginnings are always beautiful is the line used but that is usually used to describe longer time periods such as 1-3months and not just the first night where i decided to give things a try. You said that you're looking forward to me completing my JC and you completing your NS before we enter NUS together as you wanted. I'll tell you this, i'm aiming for NUS for the sake of the course i want to take, i can care less about what's going to happen to us after 2 years, and i can turn things back again like it was before 2 days ago.

Lastly, please don't act as if you've already won or anything. You've won nothing yet, this is just a probation period. Whether you like it or not, whether you think of it as one or not doesn't matter to me. I'm just testing things out, and giving things a try...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
4:16 AM

Living is painful as a reality but frett not ^^ I got my darling Shiyun at the end of the day :D:D:D:D

Either ways, i was just saying, i've been wasting my freakin' time sms-ing a 木头 and getting no relevant response from him anyway. Oh wells...

And frankly speaking, i don't know what i'm doing anymore...many things happen within this week but there is nothing i actually know of, until i saw/read of them myself. As mentioned i guess, living in my own world is the best choice ever...

I feel like quitting _______. [Arcading]

LOVE BESTIES~♥
12:39 PM

I was just letting myself rely on a wooden piece of block....

I should quit while i'm ahead...it's just a waste of time. A waste of your time, and definitely a waste of mine as well

LOVE BESTIES~♥
10:40 PM

I'm a confused girl...

I'm a sad girl...

Now, i'm a happy girl. I don't know how long this happiness will last though. Waiting...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
8:47 PM

Never knew finding a tuition teacher for JC Chemistry would be so tough.... even though admittedly, even if i were to ace the subj, i'd hardly want to be teaching Chemistry, not at JC level at least.

The ones i found either charge too overly OR charge too overly. ZZZ!! It's even tougher to find a friend around who'd tell me that Chemistry was an easy subject for them and they breezed through it.

Due to some conflicting matters, i had to forgo this teacher as well. I don't wish for tuition trips to become painful ones. Either ways, i think it's too late to find one for my Mid years, so i guess i can only try to help myself. Haix...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
10:58 PM

500th post.

I'm actually bored. Staying overnight at Geraldine's house. Pretty bored here though... the 2 are just there watching their hitman reborn. Well, i find reborn really cute but, for some reason i'm not really attracted to the anime...

Maybe not really my type bah...
But still....Kenna PS-ed here T_T

Haven't been studying productively. TOO MUCH DISTRACTIONS IN THE WAY and i'm NOT those types who can really stand against distractions. Bad...terrible...no...HORRENDOUS!!

Things are happening around, and i can feel it... When people suddenly do certain stuff, when people suddenly missed turning up, when things are closed off and when the way people start expressing themselves differently surfaces, something must have happened. But, it's not something i can or want to care about either so yeah...

I have my own problems to solve actually...
When u feel that friends are drifting away, and when you come to accept the fact that friends are never forever, u'll realize that reality is just cruel by nature. I'm not pointing this statement to just 1 group of people but instead, to many groups of people around me. Get my point? Start appreciating what you have already...

Friends may not always be there when you need them, but we should also start accepting that you can't expect anything in return even though you've helped them as well. (Again, referring to many out there) Lastly, it's time to adapt to the fact that not everyone is the same, so interests may clash, ideals may clash, ideas may clash, acceptance may clash....for example me and _____ (Shan't say anything here) So trying to share doesn't possibly mean that they would like it anyway.... I shall learn, to be more selfish.

~~I'm actually feeling lonely, in the presence of friends, and i wonder why...~~

LOVE BESTIES~♥
4:16 AM

It's ok to live the way i am i guess...i just have to protect myself.

And anyway, there's nothing wrong with me...i behave this way when i'm depressed. So when i post up something really depressing, theres a 50% chance it'll be deleted once i feel better. Don't look too much into it :D

Went out with Wanqi, Velvet, Kenneth, Nex, Weili and Ivan yesterday. As usual, the journey back to CCK was fun. Laughed so much, i almost got stitches. Hope i can improve on my DDR skills, but more importantly, i gotta discipline myself to study for MYE already :D It's just around the corner and my Chemistry is still cui.

死定了!!!

LOVE BESTIES~♥
12:59 PM

Troubled....

Too many things that are going on, sometimes i feel the pain of having to restrict myself in everything that i say. Even when it comes to blogging, i have to think twice before publishing what i've written, even though a blog is known as an online diary. Some words that are written may just backfire, and others might complicate things further.

But this is all i can say...

Dreams are stuff that do not link, and there can be a thousand and one reason of why they appear either consciously or sub-consciously. Dreams can be such wonderful indulgence, and such horror to me at the same time. When it becomes too beautiful, u'll drown in it, and even though you know that u'll have to awaken from it one day, you'll choose to sleep through it longer. But when the nightmare comes, i affects your emotions for a long time (or so mine does). Dreams portray the things that we really want...and the things you really fear about. To be honest, dreams are the purest thing in our world....and...

well...

~~you are my dream.~~

LOVE BESTIES~♥
1:46 AM

I've been blogging alot, at these wee hours to be specific. Life's been a bother. Sometimes, i do wonder of why i'm caring so much...

I worry for A, i care for B and i feel upset for C. Sometimes i'm really getting tired of the routine of having to constantly feel affected due to the emotions of those around me, but what can i really do? That's the way i am. The best thing is, some friends disappear completely...and i mean vanish. They close themselves up in their own world, and sometimes do make you wonder of who you really are to them...

I hate it when friends close themself up into smaller groups amongst groups and can be on their own without caring a hoot of the others around them. Doubt they even know of the recent events. But since they do not care, since they choose to forsake the other friends around them, then i should leave them int heir own world as well. I hope they know that i'm talking about them though. But it won't really matter would it? They are enjoying their little world right nw. Sharing same goals and working towards the same final targets. They claim to be your friends but disappear when you need them.

It doesn't mean anything, i do not need friends like this. I do not need friends who forget all about you and can't give a damn of your fucking presence. I can't fucking stand people who forget about old friends and i can't freaking tolerate friends who see preferences over one another. Fuck all that! And if they were to ask me what's wrong, "just fuck off" is what i'll say.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
2:04 AM

Finished watching Ouran koukou Host Club a.k.a Ouran High School Host Club. Loved the anime!!

CREDITS TO ILLUSTRATOR FOR THE GREAT CHARACTER ART! Tamaki Suou and Kyouya Ootori were so nicely illustrated, i can't help but place them in the list of my favourite anime male characters, beside Kira Yamato and Shinn Asuka from GSD!! XD

Then there's this really cute anime romance in the anime between Tamaki and Haruhi! Still not as good in comparison to Kira and Lacus in my opinion but, good enough for me to go ga-ga over the ending. I couldn't help repeating the final 2 episodes because of the intense moment and signs of the unnoticed love blossoming out of the 2. It's so cute! (:

Lastly, the presence of Tamaki Suou in the anime is awesome!! He's so SHUAII(handsome) and so CUTE! Although his character is a little retarded sometimes, i love it everytime the spotlight focuses on him 'cause he's so prince like and so charming even as an anime character. :D:D

AHHH!!! Can't get enough of the anime. Why can't there be more episodes?!?!?!

Anyway, also have to thank Ahzhen(Cassandra) for finding and keeping my e-amusement pass for me!! (: I thought i lost it and along with all the records in it and was on the verge of dying everytime i start DDR-ing again. AHH! Thanks!!

Everytime it rains, i feel like i'm just standing here alone. Sometimes i detest living the way i am right now, and sometimes, i can't help but envy every girl that shines out of radiance out there. But for some reasons, i'm leading a sad life, or so i think i am. I find it hard to smile through tough times and smoothen these rocky emotions and yeah, i'm so not behaving like how a Sagittarius should be like.

Sometimes life is painful, and so is the reality we are all in, at least to me. The feeling of not being accepted here and there. The feeling of wanting to recoup all that i've already lost. Worst of all, the feeling of despairity out of all the disappointments i've had in life. Maybe....maybe, i'm just expecting too much out of reality itself.

Animes, dramas, fanfictions, fantasies are really leading, in a negative way that is. Sometimes, i find myself fantasizing over the way these places define romance, and sometimes, i'm just dreaming too much. But when i wake myself up in a pinch, i'll realize that as a JC student, my life should only be filled with studying, studying and studying.

I want a perfect life, but everytime someone's there for me, i'll end up turning the person down. I'd rather pursue other things than just cherish everything that's already there for me. That's my problem, maybe i should just settle with the life i've been living before i'm back in square one like i am right now. Maybe i should settle down my mind and focus on studying hard for A levels and getting into the faculty of applied sciences in NUS. Maybe... it's only for the good of all those around me and ofcourse myself. To protect myself from getting hurt unnecessarily and to protect the ones who are out there for me from the mental sting as well.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
2:47 AM

Today's terrible...afterall.

Lost my e-amusement pass, which means all those hard-earned (not outstanding) records are gone. I can't say that they were perfect, but, they were hard to accomplish, and they didn't come by easily. I couldn't just let it go just because i can get the card replaced by just starting over using a brand new card. No it doesn't work that way, but...what's the point of saying all these?

Secondly, why is it so hard for things to go the way you want them to be? Is it too much to ask for if i wanted someone to just remain by my side? Is it too much to ask for for someone to be by you without having their hearts set on the benefits they will get out of it?

I'm losing people around me because of my emotions...

For once, i felt the pain. And honestly, sometimes, things are easier to let go when they are just at their early stages. But everytime i'm on the verge of giving up, the said person would return with words "are u ok?" and just when u fell into the pit hole he dug for you, he pulled you out. Worse still, the next time you fall into the pit again, it's gonna hurt 3x as much. However, sometimes, i chose to hold on, and to deceive myself even when i know of the final outcome. I chose to grip onto every second and drag things for as long as i could, but the pinch will eventually come and even though i know that the longer it drags on, the more painful it'll be, i still gave in to desires. I'm not thinking logically right now.

Sometimes i can't help but feel that perhaps to me, you're significant yourself, but maybe to you, i'm just another person in your life. Capable of being replaced easily by anyone else who comes by. I may be just another fry to you, but sometimes i really wish that you will take into consideration that i'm not habouring the same thought as you are. I only hope that you'll come to be more sensitive and hopefully, care for me more. Sometimes my vague hopes of being treated above everyone else by you are carried forward by deceiving but leading actions. I know that such thoughts will never come down to a future, but...i live on this thought for now.

This happens when you don't feel contented with life. This happens when your family doesn't understand you. This happens when your friends boycott you. And when it all happens, the victim will just look for a prey to live for.... just like what i'm doing now. If this 'prey' walks out on her one day, who knows what may happen...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
2:40 AM

Been so long, kindof lost the interest for blogging. Decided not to blog about last week, too many barang barang that happened. Lols.

But either ways, i want to improve in GF! I want to improve on DDR!! I want to expand my radar! Freeze: 100, Air: 100, Stream: 100, Chaos: 100, Voltage, 95 (WTH?!?!) Been soo long since i zua-ed boss song, played pluto relinguish difficult in desperate attempt to add voltage by at least 1 but failed miserably. Must train!

GF, double picking is my weakness, caught on abit but nt so accurate. MUST TRAIN! Time piece still can't pass, i'mma noob. BOO!

Lastly, Promo called me this morning... asking if i want to work for Brand's "inner shine berry essence" this weekend at suntec for 5 hours. Like, AGAIN?! Been ages since i went for product training, now i know nuts about it. They just want me to give out samples for it. But i guess i'm not quite up to it now. I turned down the offer and the 2nd one came along, asking if i wanted to do a new product on promotion for the next 2 weeks. Well, i wanted to, but sadly, i have to study for midyears. Oh well...

LOVE BESTIES~♥
2:38 PM

I'm writing to my blog as part of Diary now...

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, life just stinks so much. People are out there to deliberately hurt you, and there are ones who are out there happily gloating over your sadness. There are people who play with your emotions and sees your emotions as their personal toy. There are people who keep you by your side to make themselves feel wanted and of course, those you truly keep you because they need you. There are those who are bound to destroy you and those who'd misuse your trust. Those who make you feel important but step on you like shit at the end of the day.

My diary, i need a answer, of how to deal with these people. I'm going crazy soon, and seriously, ~~you might see me on the news paper headlines of commiting a murder~~ sometimes people just piss you off so much that you feel like putting an end to their pathetic little lives.

Signing off, Pissed/sorrowful -xuan!

--

Dear Diary,

have you ever felt the hesitant of being too close to someone? have you ever felt the pain of wanting to approach an individual but at the same time feel frightened about being too emotionally attached to these beings? Have you ever hesitated to give alot because you're afraid of the possible 'what-ifs'? Have you ever felt lost when you think about the fact that a person's going to leave your side one day? Have you ever felt like you would want things to remain the way they are right now?

My diary, how to i eliminate these unconstructive thoughts from my mind? How do i start giving my everything to people around me without having to fear or any outcomes? How do i start feeling confident about the relations between 2 pple? I need enlightment.

Signing off, Cowardly -xuan!

--

Dear Diary,

There are friends out there who mean a world to you. Those who constantly make you laugh and brings out the real you without making you feel pressured over it? There are those who are constantly there for you whenever you need him/her and those who are accomodating. There are friends who can make you smile every last moment when you are with them and those who you felt like you'd never like to lose.

My diary, is there a way to make them stay by me forever? I never want all these to end, and i hope that these people understands my thoughts coming from deep within my heart.

Signing off, Sentimental -xuan!

--

Dear Diary,

The trip to The Singapore Flyer with Besties and Shiyun was fun yesterday. But i'm getting sleepy now, i shall update photos another day.

LOVE BESTIES~♥
12:42 PM

Went to Bugis today, to meet Shiyun and Brandon. 1st of all, must apologise to Brandon for making him wait for us from 2.30 to 5.00pm just because we agreed to become hair models for 2 students from TONY&GUY academy. Had fun there, but at the expense of making Brandon wait =( Sry but thanks for waiting as well :D

So as mentioned, we became experimental dolls for them and i was particularly worried since they kept looking at my hair and keep thinking of how they gonna style it. But in the midst, i heard alot about curls and curls and curls so in the end, i had a hair wash followed by temporary curls done. I loved it though :D

Yeah, the person even trimmed my fringe. Made me so tempted to perm my hair :D:D:D

Anyway, nothing much, went to national library to study after that and managed to finish everything in Econs. So looking forward to 4pm tomorrow!! Meeting my dearest Besties to celebrate Opa's 17th birthday. Having dinner with them then tking the Singapore Flyer. Although it's a little draining on the pocket, i'm sure we'll all enjoy it. :D Can't wait!

LOVE BESTIES~♥
10:28 PM

A girl once found herself sitting at the edge of her bed, thinking of what life is all about.

But the answer given to her by Jeremy was vague. She couldn't see a purpose in his actions, let alone understand what he's trying to do.

Only after i've voiced out my unhappiness and decided to put an end to things that the other party is starting to smoothen out these mistakes. I don't enjoy having to forgive over and over again, especially after things have been taken far enough. You start sms-ing me when u're with ur friends. You start calling me when u're with ur friends, but i don't know what exactly do you want. I don't understand your sudden change and most importantly, i don't know if they are for the long term or just measures to turn back time.

I've learnt to put my emotions before yours and more importantly, see your flaws rather than your virtues. You concentrated on making me feel happy when i was with you in the past, but right now, you are working on letting me think that you see more importance in everything between us than how i originally thought you saw it as. U're important to me, and thats all the more why you should plan these moves carefully because you wouldn't want to taint your name any further.

Whats the use of striving after you've let the chance slip?

Now the girl's just facing the screen, wondering if he's worth another chance. Is he?

HELL NO! HE SHOULD NEVER BE FORGIVEN. EVER!

LOVE BESTIES~♥
8:56 PM

On second thought, i think i'll give blogging those pictures up a pass. I don't enjoy those memories as much anyway. Yes, emo-tell-tales time.

Sometimes, blogging can drain all the words you'd ever want to say. Like right now, i seriously have nothing on my mind.

I liked that someone who have troubles commiting into a relationship
I liked that someone who can touch my heart with the stupid piece of music he learnt to play on the piano just because of a casual remark i passed
I liked that someone who's hurt me twice
I liked that someone who's silly enough, to pay for my every expense when we go out
I liked that someone who drives me around while we're out
And to be perfectly honest, i liked that someone who can satisfy all my material wants

But, i loved that same someone who is able to take down the mask i always wear infront of others. And i loved him for who he is and not what he is.

It's a tragedy to know that we're not of the same world, and we're not people who carry the same ideals. It doesn't matter of all the happy times u gave me because all i care about is the present. Of how much tears you made me shed physically and mentally.

While it only came down to the fact that, i only want to be myself. I only want to be on my own. I can't stand to watch while this someone goes out with his friends and could care less about ur existance.

Some guys may find it a perfectly normal thing to do, and some guys may find it only right to have a space to breathe. But i wonder if u'll require an oxygen tank to just text a short message back.

And anyway, there's no need for apologies, i will not turn back unless our mindsets are moving in parallel directions again.

Drats, i'm wasting brain juices here, back to economics. T_T

LOVE BESTIES~♥
4:55 PM